Friday, September 16, 2011

Oh, Penis.

Being a new mom is hard. Being a new mom in New Hampshire (especially when you have been raised in the south) is harder. I get it - we are different. It has been incredibly difficult to be ourselves in a place that is clearly one sided. We have honestly been doing our best to be open minded, not only to fit in better, but because on some issues we don’t have a strong enough opinion about to care and we actually do agree with some topics.

We recycle way more than we throw away.
We buy green cleaners.
We use dish towels more than paper towels.
We bought chemical free newborn diapers and ‘natural’ wipes.
We are going to use cloth diapers (after the newborn stage).
We bought glass baby bottles.
We have a Baby Bullet (like the Magic Bullet, but to make your own baby food).
We bite our tongues when our friends talk about politics and global warming.
We use vinegar instead of bleach.
We take short showers.

We turn off the lights when we aren’t home.
We are going to breast feed (well I am).
We sometimes even buy organic food. 
The list goes on, but I do have some confessions to make.

We eat meat.
We sometimes eat at (*gasp) chain restaurants.
We take the SUV to run errands instead of the car just because it’s more comfortable.
We aren’t against epidurals (which in 2011 have NO side effects).
We use our air conditioning in the summer.

We will eat fast food.
We plan to vaccinate.
We shower everyday.

We take medicine when we are sick.
We didn’t vote for Obama.
And worst of all - we want to circumcise. 

Which apparently makes us cruel, inhumane people. How dare we want to subject our infant to this ‘purely cosmetic barbaric’ procedure. How dare us for wanting to prevent infections, the spread of diseases and STDs. I honestly never thought I would have to back my decision up, I didn’t even think it was a decision I really had to make - that this was just what you do. I especially didn’t think I would be caught off guard being lectured by some grungy nurse nazi who asked me specifically so she could preach to me. ‘Well if you lived in Europe you wouldn’t know anyone who was circumcised’ when I said I didn’t know of anyone that wasn’t. ‘Well what if the dad has bright red hair and the baby has black’ when I said the baby should match his father. Really lady? Really??? Not that it matters, but Greg has brown hair and brown eyes and so will this baby. And he will want to be JUST like his daddy like all little boys do. Not to mention it is not a ‘purely cosmetic’ procedure. I guess they haven’t heard of the CDC outside of Atlanta. ‘Clearly I have a strong opinion on this subject’ says nurse nazi. CLEARLY you do. And clearly you should mind your own business and not tell me how to raise MY child. I sound all tough here, but I clammed up in that doctor’s office like a - well, like a freaking clam I guess. I left in tears and completely stressed about the fact that this woman could possibly be the one birthing my child. (And stress is not good for the baby so I have extra resentment for this woman!)

I can’t help but think this really is all my fault, for trying to be open minded and going with the midwife practice v. the doctors. They had a good sell - they spend more time to get to know you at each visit, they stay for the whole birth (and we know some people whose doctors didn’t even make it in time), they are even open to pain management, there are 3 midwives v. 5 doctors, and Greg and I are both so technical we thought it would be good for us. But this ‘natural’ crap that we have been trying so hard to adapt to has just taken one step over the line. There were a few red flags when I walked into the appointment yesterday. First off - The lady introduced herself - I tell her that we’ve met and she proceeds to tell me that it doesn’t count unless she’s met me twice. Okay fine, you see a lot of patients, I get it. She then asks what Greg and I do for a living (again). I think they like to know you are employed and have a decent job - not to mention they have to small talk a little to play up their bedside manner. This is extremely hard for me because not only have I a) already told her all this, b) hate small talk, but c) it is pretty difficult to explain what Greg and I do to most of the population without confusing them, but it shouldn’t be that hard to understand for a ‘medical professional’. I am a consultant - ‘oh, what do you sell?’. I even managed to not roll my eyes! Props to me! ‘Oh, I haven’t heard of Siemens’. Yes you have, they make MRI machines. ‘Ohhhhhh’. Do you plan to circumcise? ‘Yes’ and it all went down hill from there.

Today I’m going to call the office and see if it isn’t too late to switch to the doctors. I am sorry  friends - all I can say is that I tried my best. I don’t care if I won’t meet all the doctors before it’s time and I might not know who is delivering my child. I don’t care if they aren’t there until the actual birth is happening. I don’t care if they don’t know what I do for a living, haven’t heard of or Siemens, or know how easy or difficult my pregnancy has been. At least I know they won’t say ‘all of that technical stuff is over my head’ because even if it was, I doubt you’d find a doctor that would admit that. All I really care about when I am giving birth is that Greg is in the room and anyone else that is there isn’t judging me. Not to be a wench, but it is either Team Kari or Team Get the Eff Out of MY Room. I want this birth to be happy and stress free. And if I choose that I am sick of being in pain and I want an epidural, then I’m going to get one. And if you disagree with my decision then that’s fine, but please keep it to yourself. No two women are the same, their pain is not the same, their babies are not the same, and their stress levels are definitely not the same. And I’m done justifying my decisions.

Now I’m going to go relax and watch one of my FAVORITE videos of all time and I suggest you do the same. If you are short on time just scroll ahead to a little after the 3 minute mark...


  1. Amen Sista! I agree with all your points!

  2. it really is a different world! you just have to be you :)